If I were a true friend, I'd tell you what is good for you. Not what you want to hear.

Heaven. Your hell. A friend. Your fear. A poet. Your music. Darkness. Enlightenment. Fun. Depression. Hostile. Subtle. An irony. Simplicity. Flexible. Picky. Intoxicated. Chilled. Easy. Complicated. Low patience. High tolerance. Different. Irrate. Sensual. Couldn't care less. Sensitive. Loud. Stubborn. Selfish. Giving. Not a goth. Not a rocker. Goddess by screams. Angel by whisper. A Dream. Your Nightmare. Nothing in between.


The meek shall inherit the earth, and the dumb will have babies.

Having a baby in a bad relationship, won't make it good. It will only complicate things and make you sorry that you have to bring a child up, when you can't give it the love it needs, due to the fact that your worried about the fathers intentions.
You also can't raise a child, or for that matter be pregnant with one with no money. Babies cost, and insurance for a baby with no prior coverage is going to run you about 800 bucks a month. Hard when you have little or no work, isn't it?
Your not responsible enough to have a baby. You can't handle your own life right now, let alone a childs that will be depending on you for the basic needs of food and water, shelter and clothes. Your fly by night attitude, won't fly in this case.
You are not financially responsible. You can't open a bank account for 5 more years, because of the bouncing checks fiasco. Did you ever pick your liscense up from that gas station that you pumped at and didn't have the money to pay?
You didn't leave NY this stupid. What the hell happend to you? Did the hippy lifestyle you decided to pretend you enjoy finally catch up to you? Or did you smoke some wild root that makes you hallucinate into beliving that your making the right decision? ( your not). You screwed up, you ruined your life. And if I were a good friend, I would NOT pretend that I was happy for you and tell you that I'm going to support you. That would make me a horrible friend, and I refuse to give you an inkling of happiness, that you fucked yourself over, BIG TIME.

I have to go to work now...I'm going to try not to let my disappointment in you ruin my day. Jesus Christ.


Drop Bush, not bombs.

I hope I die before I get old. I'm sure I will thanks to this life of excess I lead. Ha ha ha.
I'll tell you about morality. Morality is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong.
As I say in my book, many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself, you'll burn in hell.
I'm gonna build a 45 foot tall highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on earth, me.
Anyone who disagrees with me is mentally ill and should be shot.
Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends the American way. Exploder: Evacuator Part 2. Rated PG may include patriotic garbage.
I have a disagreement, I mail them an angry letter, maybe pee in their mailbox. I DON'T start World War III.


I can make a trip to them, but they can't make a trip to me. Ever. Guess I am the only one keeping it alive.

Oh, you got to have friends,
the feeling's oh so strong.
You got to have friends
to make that day last long.
Had some friends, but they're gone,
somethin' came and took them away,
and from the dusk 'til the dawn
here's where I will stay.

Standing at the end of the road, boys,
waitin' for my new friends to come.
I don't care if I'm hungry or cold, freezing.
I got to get me some.

"Oh, that's the favorite part of my voice, you know.
I really like to get up. Hm."
Oh, friends.
"Thank you."
Oh, friends, friends, friends, friends.
I had some friends, oh, but they're all gone, gone.
Somethin' took 'em away,
and from the dusk 'til the dawn
here is where I'm gonna stay, you know, oh.

Standing at the end of a real long road, Jack,
and I'm waitin' for my new friends to come,
and I don't care if I'm hungry or freezing, freezing cold.
You gotta, you gotta get me some.

'Cause you gotta have,
"you gotta have friends. I'm telling you. I am speaking 'cause I know. It's going too fast.
We're all going too fast! I'm trying to tell you to slow down! They're hard to come by! Those
friends are hard to come by! I didn't have many friends, you know. But, things are getting better
now. And I think it's gonna be okay, 'cause I have a couple now."

And I am all alone.
There is no one here beside me.
And my problems have all gone.
There is no one to deride me.


Money, it's a trap.

So I got a job today. I actually start on Monday. It's working for this woman, who is totally an older cigarette blonde type named Rhonda. She has a real estate buisness that specializes in forclosures, and she needs someone who knows computer skills and basic accounting to help her...it's only her so there won't be any crap... It's cool, pays 8 an hour off the books, so if I have a 40 hour week I'll be making about 320 cash. She says it'll be more than that though...so I'll be making more no doubt. Casual office, about 10 minutes from here.
It's going to be strange to get back into the habit of like, an actual job. I haven't had one in so long, I forgot what's it's like to actually come home, and be tired enough to go to sleep...because you've been working all day. I have to be there at nine, which is cool, because I've been waking up around 8ish since I've moved into the new apartment anyway. Maybe it was my subcon trying to get me prepared to get back into the swing of things, or something.
So here I sit, listing to Cool C, Tripnotic on my headphones, still reeling in mixed emotions. My life wants to change for the better, and it's happening...but it's doing it like way fast and it's still a big meal to digest. I'm going to go with the flow though. Despite all my recent posts I think I might see an inkling of light at the end of the tunnel. But, it's about the size of a pinhead...although the rays are reaching me, it's still not enough to read by...
Speaking of read, I need to get my book back from that Lexus driving Suburbasexual middleaged joke in COH. He seemed really cool, BUT - There is a saying I use frequently to describe situatins that have gone amock... Never sit up front at the opera. If you get too close, it spoils the illusion. Man I'd wish I'd taken my own advice there. Although he seemed to be my spritual twin, it's still pr...eh. Not going to go into it now...too long...another blog post...

P.S., I wish to thank my lifelong next door neighbor brother...because without his beauty and his words of recognition at just the right time...I wouldn't have made it though much of anything...


There are a lot of voices out there, but yours is different. I like it.

You can’t sit back and make plans for yesterday. Just like you can’t sit back and reminisce about tomorrow. Age is nothing but a number, so tell that to my thighs. But, they say the older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a Banana. Let me tell you the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't watch any reality shows on TV. Woof.


Muddle, Mesh and, Stomp

I’m the Queen to King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch, turns to shit.
Okay. I need to tell you something and I want you to hear it from me, not from some asshole on the street. About a year ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist. I ran out of cash and stopped.
Look, the way it's going, it'd be better if we could admit to each other these painful, stressful times. But it'll never fucking happen. I know how to talk to people. You know the power YOU have.
I don't have power. I'm a shut-in. You’re bigger than life.
I know one thing and man doesn’t want to go through his life without. Get the bolt cutters out of the garage.
There’s an Old Italian saying. Fuck up once, you lose two teeth.
I’m trying to give a jolt to my system. Give it a... a little kick-start.
Should just kick myself in the head.
You say, I know what you're going through must be painful. This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This shit isn't painful. It's empty... dead. : I know what you're going through must be painful. I don't let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
Eh, you may not love me, but you will respect me.
And a bad decision is better than no decision.
Maybe we don’t go to hell. Maybe there is such a thing as purgatory.
You gotta stop with that drug shit. You got your whole future ahead of you. If you can quote the rules, you can obey them.


So alone, and this room feels so cold.

So alone, and this room feels so cold.
No ones cares, not even me. Can’t quite explain why I’ve been feeling this way, just have. I just don’t feel like I’m to where I could have been in my life. I always wanted to be a scientist. Studying Meteorology, or Astronomy, or both. I have a thing for science. But, I seemed to have fucked up no matter which way I turned, can’t really say I’ve made anything of myself. Here I’ve been, out of work now for almost three years, and too damn scared to go and get back into the swing of things. Don’t ask me why I am afraid. I can’t really explain it. Guess getting fired from the last job I had kind of collapsed me. I loved that place like it was my second home, you know? I have never felt quite as comfortable at a job before, it wasn’t even like going to work. Then, in the grand tradition of things it gets fucked up by lousy corruption, just like all the good things in life do. I had fun, it was like the people that worked there were my second family…a very fucked up dysfunctional family, but a family none the less. Then because of a stupid insecure manager that lifted money out of my bank because I knew more than she did, I get fucked in the ass. Whatever. Guess I had it coming. I remember a few highlights of the job :

1: This one time, when I first started back, there was a trade show in the Hallway and in all the banquet rooms, so after it was all said and done, my co-worker at the time and I went up and down to all the booths and ripped all the candy that they had been stashing from underneath the displays off, stuffing our faces…

2: This other time, when it was snowing, and the general manager had gone to TN for some training, we all got stuck there overnight, and k104 had their party there that night, but it got snowed out…so me, the bar managers, and some desk and maintenance staff hung out all night getting bombed and bullshitting.

3: Oh baby. The Christmas party. THAT was some fun shit. The night started off sort of sucking, because I was dressed in this little skintight thing, of course I think I’m fat all the time, but everyone else thought I looked great. Including BOTH of the CHEFS….hmmm.

4: The Chefs. Oh lord, the Chefs.

5: Maintenance. But NOT Jack, Frank, or Double D.

6: Free drinks, all you can drink.

7: Front desk tall guy NJB.

8: Glen the security guard, the glassroom, and the road by the runway. If only CRB knew that it wasn’t him that I broke it in with.

I am such a slut.

Do I feel better, but at least now I’m reminiscing instead of fretting. Still want to watch my fucking movie, though. Assholes.


Serene is an emotion few and far between :

calm, halcyon, speaceful, placid, tranquil,collected, composed, even-tempered, unperturbed, pacific, still, cool, sedate, self-possessed, drowse, doze, nod, snooze, nap, rest, slumber, fantasy, illusion, mirage, vision, aspiration, desire, goal, hope, wish, muse, reflect, rhapsodize, fancy, imagine, visualize.


Come quickly, reverently, quietly....

Love is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside, to their soul... and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love, nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while. And admit the truth: that when you really look closely? People are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me.


The Cosmos, Countless Worlds Upon Worlds

So, I have to admit that I am only about 50/50 when it comes to my new place in the County of Dutchess. I guess I'm happy to be out of the junk basement, but at the same times, it's hard for me, because all the stuff that I really am cool with is a 40 minute drive right now. I have to get down to my riverfront soon, or I'll go crazy.

Guess it's all good though, still taking the relationshiop thing with a grain of salt. Anyone who knows what I mean knows it's a fly by night kind of deal. He seems serious this time, though. That's good, at least I know that I have a place to live, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and my feline kids won't be out in the street. I'll chock it all up to shell shock, quick changes with not a lot of time to adjust. But change clears the soul. At the very least the digestive tract.